50 Shades of Suck: Thank God this movie exists

So yeah. I've read 50 Shades of Grey. I've read the whole 50 Shades trilogy. It happened during that one year where it rained buckets nearly every day at the Aegon Classic in Birmingham, England and there comes a point when you just run out of things to do. So yeah, that happened.

They are absolutely terrible. I can't even. I won't even. That said, it was was a pretty fun hate-read. Just make sure you have someone to vent to.

I don't plan on seeing the movie, but BOY AM I GLAD IT EXISTS!!! Thanks to this (apparently) completely watered down piece of cinematic sex poo, the reviews have been AMAZING. Do yourself a favor and just pour yourself a glass of Pinot Grigio, google "50 Shades reviews" and read them all. 

Or...you can just read/watch these:

This Aussie reporter goes HAM on the movie as her co-hosts egg her on. This is all so Australia:

Even fans of Fifty Shades of Grey admit the book is a literary atrocity. Novelist E.L. James’s erotic reveries read like the rantings of a drunk yokel — less “His firm hands cupped my breasts” and more “Holy crap! He’s touching my boobs!” The story is simple: 21-year-old virgin Anastasia Steele is offered an opening to be cold-hearted tycoon Christian Grey’s sex slave. Before they sign a contract — an actual legal document with addendum for buttplugs — they test the merchandise and each other’s emotional and physical limits. The smartest decision director Sam Taylor-Johnson made when adapting the novel for the screen was to throw out half of it, especially her ingénue Steele’s “inner goddess,” a split personality that appears halfway through the book to grant the prudish college senior permission to screw the hell out of the hot rich guy. To get to the sex stuff, readers had to suffer through lines like “My inner goddess is dancing the merengue.”
— http://www.villagevoice.com/2015-02-11/film/fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-review/full/
Fifty Shades of Grey is based on a smut novel that in turn evolved out of Twilight fan fiction. In other words its pedigree is flawlessly lowbrow - almost no one can mount a defense that this is more than junk. Which is okay, and when the movie embraces that junkiness I found myself very, very entertained. It certainly helps that Dakota Johnson, playing Anastasia Steele, is wonderfully watchable. She’s funny and sly, and she pumps up this one-dimensional nothing character into someone you actually like and care about. But Johnson is saddled with Jamie Dornan as her co-lead, and he has all the charisma of a clearcut forest.
— http://badassdigest.com/2015/02/11/fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-review-tied-up-in-triteness/
Sexually speaking, this movie feels like a porn you clicked on because the video title appealed, and then five minutes into it something terrible starts to happen and you close your computer and you’re worried you may never be horny again.
— http://thehairpin.com/2015/02/a-review-of-a-sexy-naughty-sex-film/
The only viewer, in fact, who may feel shortchanged by “Fifty Shades of Grey” is Liam Helmer, who is listed in the credits as “BDSM Technical Consultant.” Check out the Red Room: rack upon rack of cutting-edge bullwhips, a variety of high-end ass paddles, and more restraining cuffs than you can shake a stick at. And how much of this kit gets used? A mere fraction, and even then Christian, supposedly the maestro of pain, can do little more than brush his cat-o’-nine-tails over Ana’s flesh with a feathery backhand. He looks like Roger Federer, practicing gentle cross-court lobs at the net.
— http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/23/pain-gain
Her performance is particularly impressive because she has to act opposite an inanimate block of wood. I’m told Jamie Dornan isn’t bad in the BBC Gillian Anderson series The Fall, so perhaps it’s not fair to blame him for being unable to breathe much life into the deflated balloon of his own character, but regardless, this is the sort of situation where you feel like congratulating the guy simply for not stumbling over furniture or breaking any of the props on set.
— http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/whip-it-good-fifty-shades-of-grey-reviewed-1685626641
Instead of dinner and a movie, Christian offers a contract that spells out how he wants to hold Ana in bondage with sex toys such as butt plugs and genital clamps. This being a consensual love story, Ana says no to anal and vaginal fisting. It’s quite the negotiation.
— http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/fifty-shades-of-grey-20150211#ixzz3RfupjZjZ
The film doesn’t culminate in anything. It’s a bunch of scenes that end before any kind of satisfying conclusion. The fifty shades might be grey, but your balls are also blue.
— http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-review/
For a movie about taboo stuff, it feels awfully vanilla. Still, this is easily amongst the seven or eight best Hollywood productions ever made about a woman contemplating whether or not to sign a contract and become a man’s sex slave.
— http://screencrush.com/fifty-shades-of-grey-review/?trackback=tsmclip
12. Dornan reaches towards Johnson’s panty area with a curled hand gesture I can only describe as a scoop. He’s gonna scoop her! Is this a thing? I’m learning so much!

13. You literally see Dakota Johnson’s toes curl, LOL.
— http://www.vulture.com/2015/02/fifty-shades-of-greys-first-sex-scene-described.html

Jezebel: '11 Reasons I Will Not See 50 Shades, by a Mom. 

The main character’s name is Christian. I am an Episcopalian. I do not want to go to a movie that will challenge my faith.
— http://jezebel.com/why-not-take-a-nap-11-reasons-i-will-not-see-50-shade-1685742712
8. Christian shows up at the hardware store where Ana works, and she literally shows him the ropes. She doesn’t think this is weird.
9. He buys her a rare edition of her favorite book. She doesn’t think this is weird.
10. After Ana drunk-dials him from a club, he saunters in from Seattle and takes her back to his hotel room. She doesn’t think this is weird.
11. We’re not even at the sex yet.
— http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-review-50-problems-with-the-flick-2015112

Finally, if you've never seen it, read the greatest book review you will ever read in your life. You won't regret it.